An Inside Look at DC Comics
An Interview with DC Chairman Justin Langer
The ailing comic book industry attempts to boost profits with fresh ideas.Langer: We need new heroes. Every day we are losing readers because there are no good guys. I can understand why the public may have become tired of the original nauseatingly good superheroes, but we basically need a character that doesn’t wreck school buses for the fun of it.
Time: Surveys find that there is still interest in the established and well-known heroes such as Captain America. Why has DC comics chosen not to revive them?
Langer: Problems of logic. Superman developed a hobby for crushing people’s vertebrae after he was resurrected and Spiderman and Batman also kill people for recreation. The X-men have become evil for reasons that elude all of us and even Wolverine is out of the question. No one can figure out whether his skeleton is made of adamantium, bone, or peanut brittle. We have made many other characters to try to remedy this, but they always somehow become villains. We feel a need to start with a new look and style.
Time: Does this mean that the classic characters will be discontinued?
Langer: Absolutely, if our new style proves to be a success. Our sales are plunging with every issue. Our company needs a clean slate and a new sense of purpose.
Time: What exactly is this ‘new style’? Who is your most promising new hero?
Langer: We wish to create solid ethical heroes that appeal to the tastes of our modern readership. There is controversy over the values presented in our comics to young readers, but we have confidence that we can improve our material. Our greatest hope for a popular new hero is… Grunge-O Pus Man! We already have a team of artists ready to produce. This is going to be a multi-million dollar project!
Time: What are some details on this “Grunge-O Pus Man?”
vLanger: We are still drawing up prototypes for his appearance, but we have a good idea. His entire body is covered with juicy swollen pimples, hot bursting boils, and dark crusty scabs. Every single pore of his skin is somehow inflamed and oozing stuff. Because it hurts so much, he can’t shower or shave. And like most heroes, he never wears anything but his costume. Grunge-O Pus Man is our great hope for the future.
Time: Isn’t this proposed hero a little, um… grotesque?
Langer: Absolutely. The latest trends in entertainment show that gratuitous disgusting body fluids are extremely popular with kids and teenagers. We seek to combine this aspect with our desire for a new hero in order to sell our comic books in huge quantities.
Time: You admit that Grunge-O Pus Man is somewhat unorthodox in nature. What exactly is he able to do?
Langer: We have almost agreed on all his powers. He protects himself in times of danger by forming an impenetrable layer of pus all around him. He can also throw globs of stinking acidic pus at villains. We’re arguing if we should give him more abilities. A couple of favorites are the atomic snot rocket and the trenchmouth breath attack. We might also equip him with a launcher that fires dirty old scabs like buckshot and—
Time: Yes, it’s all very interesting. In what way does he use these powers? Who are the villains that our righteous Grunge-O Pus Man must fight?
Langer: Obsessive Compulsive Hand Washer Man will be the main bad guy. He owns a huge corporation and can shoot antibacterial rays from his fingers. His toadies, Dark Mr. Clean and Evil Nurse Thay carry out his plans to monopolize, exploit, and enslave the entire world. Other superheroes can’t stand against these three conspirators. Grunge-O Pus Man alone, with his unique powers, is able to stop them. He also rescues people drowning and falling from buildings with self-made sticky ropes. In short, our intention is to promote Grunge-O Pus man as a pillar of morality for America’s youth in a corporate society obsessed with hygiene.
Time: Then I wish you and DC comics luck with your new style. Thanks for your time.
Langer: You’re welcome… And please take this introduction to our first issue.
Time: Thank you very much.
Here is the preview given to our interviewer: Grunge-O Pus Man The Uncanny Human Pizza Issue #1 Lawrence Clowry was a famous actor and renowned heartthrob until… He became unknowingly mired in the schemes of the tycoon, Nathaniel Lange who was really the infamous OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE HAND WASHER MAN! The clever billionaire lured Clowry to one of his fabulous banquets and kidnapped him. Mr. Lange laughed maniacally and donned his costume as the bound actor was inserted into his latest machine. This sinister device, as it turned out, inverted the sanitizing powers of its creator and forever transformed Clowry’s body into a mass of bloated pustules. Obsessive Compulsive Hand Washer Man laughed cruelly when he saw the arrogant actor reduced to a squirming, faintly humanoid lump. Lawrence Clowry was left for dead in an overflowing landfill, but he SURVIVED! Though he had been made into a hideous creature, the former heartthrob discovered his new DISGUSTING powers and vowed to defend the world from the depredations of Obsessive Compulsive Hand Washer Man, who was to be his MORTAL ENEMY! Thus was born…
GRUNGE-O PUS MAN!!!!