Fruit Fly Emancipation Should Never Have Happened
By Dr. Nicholas Watts
The treaty that is to take effect entails certain disaster for the world of science. With the exception of the bacterium E. coli, fruit flies have been the most heavily researched organism on earth. This clumsy legislation undermines decades of work in labs across the country. Much of the entire field of genetics is composed of information gained from experimentation on Drosophila melanogaster. These insects are a crucial resource and their loss effectively prevents any progress for at least a decade. The international science community stands in incredulous awe at the abject stupidity that permeates the American legal system.Since the initial rise of the ZZZZ rebels in 1996, the government has failed to properly deal with them. After the 1997 UCLA and FSU raids, in which thousands of flies were released by an insurgent swarm of drosophilans, law enforcement took almost no preventive measures to put a stop to any future actions of the fly rebels. The raids continued through 1998 due to the misplaced sympathy of the moronic masses. Then, on March 4, 1999 came the disaster. Flight 349 leaving San Francisco was attacked by countless fruit flies as it lifted off from the runway. The plane’s engines were completely blocked as it made a futile effort to lumber skyward. All those present watched in horror as the Boeing 747 began to plummet. It crashed to the ground and immediately exploded upon the rupture of its full fuel tanks. 256 people died in the crash, rewriting the record books for entomological acts of terrorism. This tragedy was graced with no more than a passing mention in most newspapers but was hotly debated in the halls of Congress. Some legislators favored fruit fly emancipation while those acting in interest of the agricultural community fought to prevent it at any cost. The result was a deadlock that has lasted until recently. Though the government was in a state of indecision, it hardened its policies and began to take countermeasures to the fruit fly threat. On August 17, 1999, a delegate from the ZZZZ known as Z filed a lawsuit against the enslavement of fruit flies. The Supreme Court itself took up the case. Thus began the legal parody known as Z vs. UC Davis.
The defense began by attempting to prove Z mentally incompetent. They brought into the court a psychologist agreed upon by the offense to give some tests to the dipteran plaintiff. Z, who was present at the trial in a vial with media, was then given the analysis agreed upon. The Rorschach test elicited no response in any form. IQ tests of any kind were ignored. Personal questions went unacknowledged. Furthermore, because of Z’s refusal to remain motionless, attempts at hypnotism were useless. The judges unanimously declared these damning discoveries to be “insufficient proof on the grounds of the unique nature of this case.” Z vs. UC Davis dragged on until the autumn of 1999, which saw the death of the current generation of fruit flies. Z’s death from old age in mid-September elevated her to a celebrated martyr among human and drosophilan aboflytionists alike. The year round fly populations in California and Florida continued to send delegates all named Z throughout the winter of 1999. The case progressed very little until the spring, when fruit fly populations in temperate zones of the United States revived. On June 21, 2000, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the current plaintiff, Z XI. There were, however, no laws pertaining to Drosophila melanogaster to be struck down as unconstitutional. The final step in emancipating fruit flies from human captivity was left to Congress. Again, the rural, agricultural states were pitted against the urbanized states in a desperate struggle for dominance. The pro-aboflytionist block, which was only a few votes away from a majority, attempted to form a compromise. On November 25, 2000, the treaty known as the Flymancipation Proclamation was passed through Congress. Demonstrators filled the streets of the capitol urging Bill Clinton to sign the bill. The Flymancipation Proclamation was stamped with the presidential seal on December 3 to the delight of the countless idiots outside the White House.Fruit fly emancipation should never have happened! There are too many elements of unpredictability involved. The greatest among these is the ambiguity of the terms dictated by this ludicrous treaty. How can we be sure that all the fruit flies will withdraw from citrus growing areas? ZZZZ has already broken into four splinter groups, Z, Z, Z, and Z. There is a good chance that Z, Z, and Z will act in accordance with the treaty, but the Z is known to be an extremist faction. They have expressed great reluctance to leave their homelands and have made no guarantee of compliance. Even the threat of terminating the proposed mutant facilities may not be enough to move them. The profoundly ignorant public seems to think of these rebellious flies as a small group. They may be now, but in a few generations, they will be as powerful as the united ZZZZ at its zenith.
Throughout the nation, fruit farmers are hiding under their beds and geneticists are learning to use cash registers in anticipation of the coming disaster. The innumerable mistakes made in the last four years are finally manifesting themselves into a single grand tragedy. The United States sprawls in a languid stupor, prone and naively unaware of the squishy soft-bodied menace that grows larger and more absurdly corpulent with every day! Aboflytionists ought to be hung!