The Flymancipation Proclamation
The Government of the United States of AmericaSection I. The Freedom Compromise
- Hereby emancipates all fruit flies of the species Drosophila melanogaster from any form of bondage instituted by the human race.
- In return, the flies have agreed not to enter the borders of California or Florida at any time or under any circumstance.
- If these terms are violated, war shall be redeclared upon the flies at once.
- Any individual offending specimens shall face immediate arrest and confinement to a vial culture containing no members of the opposite gender.
- All humans found in possession of illegal fruit flies shall be penalized with a fine of $2000 and three months imprisonment. Perpetrators shall pay compensation for damages to the alleged victims.
- All humans found distributing captive flies in any manner shall be sentenced to two years in prison. Perpetrators shall pay compensation for damages to the alleged victims.
- All fruit flies shall enjoy fundamental rights so long as the terms of this agreement are observed. Repeated infractions will be met with the termination of these articles.
Section II. Special Care for Mutants
- The government of the United States of America shall provide aid to mutants that are unable to survive in the wild.
- Indoor facilities shall be established containing one ton open containers of media for easy eating and breeding.
- A work force bearing the duty of maintaining the proposed artificial environment shall be established. The tasks assigned to this body are to:
- Rescue flies trapped in sticky media.
- Ensure the health of all pupae.
- Conduct regular diagnostic checkups on larvae of all stages.
- Replace media before it darkens and attains a wax-like texture.
- Ensure that the building is completely secure to prevent flies from straying into the wild.
- Provide alternative foods to diversify the diet of the flies.
- Regularly clean empty pupa cases from all surfaces.
- Provide a latrine bin to contain the collective excrement of the mutants.
- Remove any dead specimens from the media.
- Collect all dead flies and cremate them.
- Scatter ashes of cremated flies in California and Florida citrus orchards.
- Personnel that deliberately kill flies or confine them against their will are to be fired immediately and penalized with a $4000 fine.
- All illegal wild immigrants are to be evicted immediately.