King Psi Renne

By Piman

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    It was a dark day indeed when Psi Renne became the undisputed king of the known world. So great was his enemies’ hatred of each other, it became their undoing. Captured by Psi Renne’s forces, they were brought into his opulent throne room. In the center of the room there sat a single gilded throne upon which King Psi Renne perched, covered in luxurious blankets of silk and fur; like an island in the green marble sea of his throne room floor. “Well gentlemen, we meet at last.” King Psi Renne cackled to the prisoners bowed before him. Though exhausted from their ordeal both men had the look of kings themselves, though Kings who had long since lost their power. With a certain cold intelligence and ruthless feeling about them, King Psi Renne’s many court subjects looked in wonder upon the fallen kings. Indeed, it was only a few years since Zygmunt was a power and a few more since Lord Piman had been the stronger ally of Psi Renne – the very king they now served. Few had believed that their own king would eventually triumph in the War of the Three Kings.

            Lord Piman had been the clear winner from the beginning of the conflict. With his usual ruthlessness he had concentrated his efforts to destroy Zygmunt. However, as the war with Zygmunt dragged on Lord Piman’s victory began to look more and more distant. Then King Psi Renne had deigned to join the conflict and committed massive amounts of troops against Lord Piman.  Slowly but surely, Lord Piman’s men were turned back by the combined forces of Zygmuntian and King Psi Renne. Lord Piman, in his typical arrogance, continued to send his troops to destroy Zygmuntian, despite the fact that those troops were needed to repulse King Psi Renne’s devastating attacks on his bases. Lord Piman’s hatred of Zygmuntian was so great that it blinded him to the reality that he was doomed to destruction. When he finally realized his mistake, it was too late – the war was not to be won by the forces of Lord Piman. He then resolved in his final hour- to become the proverbial “bitch of Psi Renne”. Lord Piman so despised Zygmunt that he preferred to be the vassal of Psi Renne, than to die or live in a world run by the likes of Zygmuntian.

            Zygmuntian's hatred of Lord Piman was so great that he too committed many forces to Piman’s destruction – despite the constant attacks of King Psi Renne. Indeed, many battles to the end of the war were fought between the army’s of Piman and Zygmunt even though King Psi Renne was the real threat to both. Slowly but surely, with Lord Piman’s resources, King Psi Renne backed Zygmuntian into every corner of the Earth. In the last days of the conflict Psi Renne sent forth his armies of Darkness and crushed his vassal Lord Piman to insure that he would never rise again. Zygmuntian, though he fought distinguishably, was unable to turn the tide of war. Zygmuntian was vanquished until all that remained of either of the two enemies army’s was three Longboats of Lord Piman’s. Zygmunt was quickly captured, attempting to flee his defeated army disguised as a female peasant.  Lord Piman was captured in a similar embarrassing moment, when, after several weeks of remaining in his ships and refusing to come out, Psi Renne cleverly arranged for a barbeque of immense portions to be prepared. Hundreds of steaks, hamburgers, bratwurst and pork chops were cooked and their heavenly scent wafted into the ships of Lord Piman who had been forced to resort to a diet of sawdust and rats for sustenance. Lord Piman then created a small raft out of several crates he found on board his ship and floated to the mainland. Lord Piman successfully stole several pieces of meat but in his attempted escape ran into a female peasant of Psi Renne’s. She quickly subdued and apprehended him and sent him to King Psi Renne’s autumn palace.


            With the surprising defeat of both of the two rival kings, one can understand the amazement of King Psi Renne’s court when all of suddenly Lord Piman turned to Zygmuntian and shouted “You Dumbass, What were you Thinking!?!  Why the hell didn’t you take me up on my Alliance offer?!?” in front of the full majesty of Psi Renne.

“Because I wanted you to lose, you DUMBASS!” Zygmunt replied.

“That is not how you play the game! You play it by ganging up on the strongest – in this case, Krieg!” Piman screamed back at Zygmunt.

“Don’t you get it, you dumbass, I am not going to join with you – you attacked me constantly in the game!” Zygmunt shouted back. “And what’s with becoming his bitch – his anal football receiver if you know what I mean?”

At this point Psi Renne tried to say  “Guys, hello… I won….. and I am the king now….. so pay attention to me and quick arguing… please… guys…. You there? ”

“I was not his bitch – I was his 'business partner.' Better in bed with the enemy than letting the likes of you win, you little shit!” Piman responded. “And shut up you backstabbing creep!” he shouted at Psi Renne.

At this point King Psi Renne appeared extremely agitated and coldly stated “I am not amused.”

Zygmunt exploded at Psi Renne shouting “SHUT THE HELL UP YOU LITTLE Shit!” to Psi Renne, and then turned back to Lord Piman shouting “Look you boat coward, at least I don’t get my ass kicked by freaking girls!”

Um… Guys if you don’t quit arguing I am going to have you removed. Com’on…. Guys…..” Psi Renne pleaded with the now incensed loser kings.

“Psi Renne, if you don’t shut the hell up I swear to God I will shit my self a new army and beat you and your shitty kingdom to hell!” Piman screamed at King Psi Renne. With this comment on the state of sanitation in Psi Renne’s Kingdom, many members of the court began shouting for Psi Renne to punish Lord Piman and Zygmuntian. Turning back to Zygmunt, Piman screamed “At least I don’t dress like a girl!”

Zygmunt grew so angry with this last comment on his style of dressing that he jumped on Piman and began beating him mercilessly. “I show you how a man fights, little man.” he yelled at Piman while he hit him with his shackles and chains.

Psi Renne and his court were so infuriated with the perpetually feuding kings at this point that Psi Renne sent his guards in to break up the fight. Two badly bruised guards, one broken arm and 12,000 gold in damage later, Zygmunt and Lord Piman were once again before king Psi Renne, this time, shackled, bound and gagged. The King then began an unprecedented four and a half hour bitch-out in which he berated Zygmunt and Piman for their irrational hatred, stupidity and general shortcomings.

King Psi Renne then said to Zygmunt, “Since you like women’s clothing so much, you shall serve in one of my Kingdom’s infamous sweatshop factories for the rest of your days.” To Lord Piman he said “Since you like ships so, you will be my personal cabin boy on my luxury yacht.”  

With his sentencing finished, both Zygmunt and Piman were sent to their respective positions. Upon deeper reflection King Psi Renne thought “I am amused."