The Lost History of the Roma Tomato Empire

By Edgar Alam Burnes III

It has been noted by many historians that today’s students of history show little enthusiasm in studying Civilization’s past glories. To perhaps remedy this far-sweeping trend of ignorance, the National Historical Society has posted news of this exciting breakthrough at schools throughout the nation.

As the might of Rome collapsed into chaos and ruin beneath the onslaught of vicious barbarians, those fields that were not burnt to long forgotten ashes sprang to new life. The crops grew untended and their produce was to ultimately make a great impact upon human kind. One type of plant grew a fruit known as the Roma tomato, a small tomato often added to salad. These photosynthetical peoples quickly rose to ascendancy among the many species freed from the cruel cycle of the farmer. The Romas soon dominated even the tall wheat and clinging grapevines. The rise to Empire was far from complete. The multitudinous armies of the savage Visigoths still raged through the pristine Tuscan hills with no organized resistance to halt their malice. There was only one force to preserve the last remnants of Civilization. That of the Romas! Their armies rolled across the land like thousands of migrating McDonald’s ball pits and drove back the foes of enlightenment and knowledge to the craggy folds of the Alps. It was after the decisive battle of this glorious campaign that Squish was proclaimed Imperator of the Romas.
Even now, however, the war was far from complete. Alaric, the savage chieftain of the Visigoths concocted new plots against his photosynthetical foes. He regrouped his scattered forces and convinced them that pulverizing midget fruit was better than freezing to death at the Mont Blanc summit. Once again, the tides of darkness and devastation swept down from the snowy fastness of the enshrouded mountains. After weeks of advances and countermoves, the forces of Alaric and Imperator Squish met upon the fertile plains of Hortensia Minor. That day decided the fate of the few remaining tomes left amidst the smoldering ruins of the Classical World. The Roma legions rolled with a thundering might, ignoring the stones and sticks that pierced their soft flesh. This time, the Visigoths also moved into battle with resolve and what followed was a fierce conflict between humans and a vegetable that pretends to be a fruit. All through the night, the silhouettes of armored men stumbled through the ranks of the Roma legions, and fell as they succumbed to gelatinous tomato goo.
The morning revealed a scene of devastation. For miles in each direction were countless fallen barbarians encrusted with drying red pulp. Both sides had suffered greatly, but the pretentious fruit was again victorious. Alaric rode up to his few remaining followers. Splattered tomato corpses hung from his worn face and battered limbs like strips of torn flesh. His proud war-helm had been struck from his brow and forever lost in the cross-kingdom carnage. The weary warlord retreated to the icy havens of the Alps and later died during a ski accident.

The Roma legions had gained the final victory, but the Battle of Hortensiae had fatally depleted their ranks. These noble tomatoes began to fade away. In short, the Roma Empire went into a state of decay. The remaining citizens grew rotten and corrupt and finally perished under swarms of hungry insects. The legions had expired and one of history’s great civilizations thus vanished with scarcely a trace.

The dead body of Alaric was embalmed in tomato juice and was recently found intact in a crypt within his Lost Stronghold. The warlord’s body is red and very sticky. Archaeologists have reported that the preserving paste still tastes like tomatoes. Another great discovery has been the Tomb of Squish. Nothing remains of the Imperator’s body save a scattering of minute seeds. Within this structure were once kept the last treasures of Human Rome. They were removed by the merchant Giacomo Rizzi in 1410, leading eventually to the rebirth of science and literature in the Western World. Finally, this document owes itself to the most helpful manuscripts of the Greek scholar, Plomonidus.

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