Inspection Report of Starfleet Equipment
By Zygmunt
Stardate 339.983 This is an outrage! Our inquiries have found so many imbecilic safety violations that every single ship is going to have to be refurbished extensively. There will no doubt be a major public scandal that such incompetence could have ever have existed within our prestigious organization let alone have permeated it. We submit to the committee here today a list of some of the most basic flaws in Starfleet.
- Every ship in the fleet is without seatbelts. Such a pedestrian violation of basic standards on a wide scale is unacceptable. In a combat situation, or more commonly in a collision with some strange anomaly, the crew members are typically thrown from their seats as the ship is shaken about. Reports throughout the sector confirm numerous injuries, which could have been prevented by some sense of basic safety standards. Crewmembers have been breaking bones and teeth for years as they fly from their seats. Some mission recordings seem to indicate that Starfleet personnel are, in fact, tossed about every single time their ship is subjected to a torpedo or phaser blast. This no doubt compromises the crew’s working efficiency at a critical time and certainly creates unsafe working conditions. All active personnel should be required to wear a seatbelt at all times. For those who work at stations where there are no chairs, some kind of harness that straps to the waist could be improvised. Or by following common sense, we could get them a seat so they don’t have to stand for hours while on duty.
- Every year, hundreds of Starfleet personnel suffer everything from third degree burns to fatal electrocution from the insanely dangerous control panels present in every ship in the fleet. Even though surge protectors were developed in the twentieth century, this technology has somehow been completely ignored in the construction of highly advanced starships. Every single time a federation vessel is suddenly exposed to high levels of energy, especially in battle, the excess power ‘overflows’ and somehow causes control panels to blow up right in the user’s face with a huge shower of sparks and fire. An inspection of records indicates this problem has existed for years without the slightest protest by officers. The members of our investigation can only guess as to why any human being, let alone a highly intelligent and educated person, would tolerate working conditions that involve the use of highly volatile electronics systems that are essentially rigged with plastic explosives. Regardless of reasons for the persistence of this difficulty, it must be remedied at once. Like the previous item, it would not at all be costly and difficult. In fact, the positions foremost on the bridge already have some protection from these power surges. The commanding officers rarely suffer from this phenomenon and 95% of casualties from exploding control panels happen to ensigns and other less important crewmembers. It would require very little effort to extend complete surge protection through not only the bridge, but the entire ship. There is no excuse for this incompetence and no delays in performing the necessary repairs will be tolerated.
- Almost every time a Starfleet vessel is damaged, broken pipelines come out of holes in the wall and spout gaseous substances everywhere. Ironically, this seems to happen most on the bridge, the area where it is most important to maintain structural integrity. After intensive questioning, no one, not even engineers, could even begin to guess what substances are contained in these pipes. Fortunately, whatever these gases are seem to inflict no immediate harm on most humanoids, but not enough is known yet to come to a conclusion. Because these pipelines serve no immediate purpose other than to create an obscuring cloud in the midst of battle, our commission demands that these pointless components be removed as a potential safety hazard. This will require the removal of several miles worth of tubing in every ship and should amount to a somewhat laborious process.
- Federation ships have virtually no means of stopping hostile boarders. Our committee did some brainstorming on this and came up with a number of excellent ideas. We decided that placing ceiling mounted turrets on all decks would be a first measure against hostile beings. These minigun/phaser platforms would have self-contained power sources so they can operate even if all of the ship’s other systems have been disabled. Just think! A captain could contain invaders with a force field and then mow them all down just like that. Additionally, valves capable of letting vacuum into a containment zone might prove an effective means of dispatching unwanted guests. As a further measure, the Federation should equip its ships with high-powered laser matrix systems to dice any enemy into tiny pieces. So long as the computer doesn’t become evil and no bad guys manage to take over the control systems, these methods would prove very effective.
- After a laborious analysis, it has been decided unanimously that phasers are utterly useless. Federation officers report that approximately nine out of ten evil aliens and entities are completely immune to energy weapons of any kind. One has to wonder why humanity ever departed from projectile weapons. Perhaps they are just too loud, bulky, mean looking, and crude for today’s polished personnel. These unreasonable inhibitions must be overcome because the fact remains that a slingshot or seventeenth century flintlock musket is more effective against the Borg than any sophisticated modern weaponry. No doubt the use of such weapons aboard a space ship might lead to a few holes in the walls or broken windows, but it seems obvious that a good selection of projectile firearms should be present in every ship’s arsenal.
This brief of necessary improvements to Starfleet property will soon be followed by a full report in which every tiny little dramatic device inconsistent with real-world practicality will be brutally exposed and denounced. Never mind that most of it would make a simple and uniform set needlessly complex and cause the budget needs of the show to skyrocket. We are the committee of intergalactic perfectionists. Our judgment is passed.